A letter to Walgreen's re: the Easter candy display

To Whom It May Concern:

Somewhere around the beginning of March, I was making my way through the candy isle at a Walgreen's, when a most despicable horror to my eyes did occur. The degree to which you took this nearly gave me a migraine headache - which I have not had in many years, I think last taking place after walking into an Express store in a mall, circa 1992.

It wasn't merely the subtle nauseating effect of so many soft pastel hues that struck me, but the sheer volume of the same candy. You had pulsating pink peeps next to yellow, green, and baby blue, but it went on for what seemed like aisle after aisle.

How many peeps do you need to have? They took up half the one side of the isle alone. You had the traditional yellow peep, but that lead to an equally over-abundance of the bunnies, and who knows what else after that. I didn't need to see anymore.

Now, let's move onto the jelly beans. Every single kind was just basically a recap of the previous. Occassionally, you stepped out a bit and delivered the speckled-hen version, but you had to play it safe, didn't you? Cadbury eggs certainly took a back-seat this year, too. I remember the days when they had their own display in the center isle. Now they're kind of thrown in the middle of all this oversaturated, dumbed-down business.

Barely any chocolate.

Some may think this is a minor issue compared to other world matters, and that's a fair argument. But it's these little things that lead to larger issues. Today, you're messing with Easter candy. Tomorrow, who the hell knows? Hormone injections?!

Awesome T-shirt!!

The Stooges have slowly gained popularity as a groundbreaking and influential rock band. As history has been written, they're credited as the origin of punk. Obviously, it wasn't as if they just showed up, and then punk rock was made official. In everything, it develops over time, and arguments ensue over when something really began. But the Stooges became this legend because they exploded out of the Detroit music scene(Ann Arbor, really), and had a primal, aggressive, darker presence. There was attitude and danger with them, and they weren't popular. I describe their record "Funhouse" as a 'symphony of noise.' From the moment "Down on the Street" revs its engine, it doesn't let up for about four songs. It doesn't really have a message, doesn't preach, just stomps and howls. It's more weird than inviting, a 180 turn from most of the music of the late 60s.

Here's the thing, though. I have an awesome Stooges t-shirt, found deep within the rack at a tiny shop I forget the name to, is now closed, and was in Wrigleyville, Chicago. It fits perfectly, is short-sleeved and has red lining on the sleeves and neck, has a great band shot with none of them smiling...but it's white. I haven't worn it in about three years because I live in fear I'll mess it up spilling coffee or splashing too hard through a puddle of mud. (Puddle of Mudd is an awful band, btw.)

You know what I'm talking about here, when I say even the wrong deodorant can mess up a white shirt. Hey, don't lift those arms!

What's the point of having an awesome tee you never wear? I was treated like I WAS the rock star just for wearing it. People would get off at their bus-stop and let it be known they approved of it. Kids who could be Iggy Pop's great-great grandson would get off their skateboards to pay respect. My baseball shirt with that Andy Warhol/Velvet Underground banana on it has been doing fine all this time, and it's white. It's time to live it up, take a chance.

Seriously, though, please comment back with any advice should I mess up the Stooges t-shirt.

Stealing is the exact opposite of adorkable, especially stealing dumb, worthless things.

Look at that shiny silver...yes, the scooter, too...but I'm talking about the helmet. There is, or was, a rare chrome helmet I got at a place some would vaguely remember as Kmart. That was in 2004 when I got it at the one just up the street, so it definitely showed its wear after all these years of dropping it and whatever toxins are floating in the atmosphere. The chrome was coming off and scratches were everywhere.

Still, somebody stole it a few months ago. Yeah, it was tied to the rail like you see in the photo and left overnight, but in a gated community. It's not like I was negligent and left a skateboard out(speaking of, I'm pretty sure movers in Michigan lifted my Christian Hosoi Hammerhead board in the 80s). Leaving something like that, you should expect it to not be around in the morning.

Not adorkable: So the thief showed how low they'll go, which is so undorkable, it's like on the other side of the spectrum.

Adorkable: The girl who hung halfway out a car window and yelled while I was going down Lamar to Barton Springs on my bike, "I like your helmet!"

What are your most undorkable thief tales?

This blog is going to cost you!

I'll let you know when my Paypal account is set up. Until then, consider this on your tab. That's right, maybe it comes as a shock, but nothing in this life is free. I wouldn't go so far as to say you're going to have an epiphany reading this, if you even come across it, but you'll probably get some laughs and weird looks, and that seems to be a thing to capitalize on, given the fact that it's not like I'm trying to sell you a worthless online degree or to scam you. I'm being totally upfront.

(I'm not going to charge you for reading the above paragraph, btw.)

But you are being charged...Starting now! No, I'm serious. Every word you scroll across now is going on your account. Might as well find some other blog while you still have a chance, like maybe one where they're telling you what color they decided to go with for the kitchen counter and pantry. That was actually a lot of words. Are you sure you wanna continue? Notice how I used 'wanna' instead of 'want to,' just to be nice.

More words. It's up to you. That was six right there. Yeah (that counts).

Why don't you turn away? You don't know what you got yourself into...